Grief. Bereavement. Guilt.
These are beasts I am still learning to tame to this day. At some point in most of our lives we are plagued by these experiences, and usually, not always, it's caused by a loss. It feels never ending, fierce, and unbearable. What do we do with this pain? There are many ways to cope with loss and the grief it comes with.
I lost my best friend, Peanut, in August 2020. She was my little fur angel and my most reliable companion. Waking up in the morning and starting my day was easier because of her. She gave me and my family so much joy and laughter. Once she left us, everything went silent and I felt my world crumbling to pieces. I honestly was scared that the pain in my chest and my deep sorrow and worry would consume me and never go away. Has it all gotten better already? No. Has it gotten a little easier? Yes. Let me share with you what has helped me so far.
 |
| My little fur angel, Peanut. |
Honor Your Pain. The first thing I found most helpful was honoring my pain. If I needed to cry I would. I would not hold back my tears, screams, hollers, etc. It's tempting to drown out the pain with external things such as maybe another dog, alcohol, and other forms of escapism; however, that is only a Band-Aid and will not aid in your healing. Being honest and true to your emotions will help that process move along, it just takes time.
Spirituality. This one isn't for everyone. I'm not going to go tell and atheist to suddenly find spirituality, unless it made sense to them. However, this helped me immensely. It helped me to believe that Peanut is still with me in my heart and in spirit. The idea of her being gone forever is indeed too much to bear, so I like to think she is still with me. I had a therapist also tell me to give her assignments such as guiding my parents new dog, Spike, around the ways of the household, or protecting my parents since I do not live with them anymore. It was uncanny how Spike would lay in all of her favorite spots and do some of the same behaviors as her, despite being a totally different breed of dog. It really felt like she was there helping us and watching us. It gave me a lot of comfort to feel that.
Mementos. Making mementos such as photo prints, even magnets and ornaments can be very helpful. Especially when all of the feelings are fresh. It can be reassuring to see their face and their expressions to almost make it harder to forget them. Every little thing I made of Peanut was to reassure that she will not only be in my heart but in my mind forever and I can continue to honor the joy and life she gave me with her time on Earth.
Celebrate their Life. One of the first things I did once we began to prepare for Peanut's cremation was go through pictures I had of her. I love photography, as you might know following me here, and I have literally thousands of photos of her. I had some on my walls, in my drawers, in and on my desk. Having her face visible to me brought me some comfort and reflected the loving life we did our best to give her. Of course it hurt, but it also would make me smile to think upon the memories each photo would place into my mind and it made some of my guilt and shame feel smaller and less valid, because let's be real, sometimes... Usually, our negative thoughts that cause these negative feelings are not valid and unfair to us. I know that Peanut was loved, so loved and had a good life, and these photos were proof of that. Talking to my parents and my sister about all of the memories we had of her, good and bad, that we loved and cared for her as hard as we could since she entered our world in 2009. Celebrating that life, her life, and honoring it, brought a little light into my darkness.
Don't Be Afraid to Seek Support. I eventually chose to go to a bereavement specialist because despite the instances of my crying decreasing and my acceptance of Peanut's fate settling in, I was still riddled with fear and anxiety that someone would suddenly die. I knew I was still holding on to something, but I needed further guidance to understand what that was. I went to a therapist that specialized in grief, trauma and somatic intervention. I personally have no shame or negative feelings about therapy, but I do know that many people do. Being a therapist myself, I know how healing therapy can be if you want to be there. If there is something in your heart telling you to get help, welcome that and give your heart the healing it needs. My therapist helped me so much with managing this new kind of anxiety that was preventing me from doing much. I helped profoundly and I strongly recommend it for anyone with a heavy heart.
There are many ways to grieve. I happened to use all of these to help me cope with a significant and sudden loss in my life. I hope this helps you move forward and begin to heal. You deserve to heal and live on.
Good luck.
