On Loving Yourself

 We often hear people say, "you have to love yourself before someone else can love you" or "it's so important to love ourselves" and this term of "self love" floats around us in what seems like an unpoppable, unattainable bubble. 

What is this self love they speak of? I used to ask myself this all of the time and I would also ask myself "what am I doing to not love myself?" Well, the latter was easier to answer, and that is how I was able to being my quest to attain self love. Let me walk you through my process:

1. I used to compare myself to others, constantly. I remember being so insecure and so unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I used to look at other girls with envy and sometimes even distaste because they had something I did not and could not have. I was being so unfair to myself and to them. Eventually, I was better able to appreciate what made me stand out and replace my jealousy with admiration (I certainly thing becoming so into photography helped a ton, I see and love beauty everywhere). I was able to acknowledge that comparing myself to others means that I was not appreciating what maybe others were jealous of me for. I was choosing to ignore my positive qualities and traits because it did not fit this ideal that I imposed on myself. I then chose to change my ideal to what I had and find women I share traits with whom I admired in order to feel even better about them. I also allowed myself to relish in my interests and my hobbies, dress up whenever I felt like it and expressed myself in ways that felt true to me. This is when my journey began. 
2. I was unkind to myself. It did not help that many were unkind to me as I was growing up. However, where that went wrong was a. I allowed them to be unkind to me, and b. I believed what they would say about me. I began to label myself as things such as "ugly", "stupid", "a space cadet", "incapable", and "a waste of skin." As I used these labels, they formed into a terrible identity for myself. I would say this came before I began comparing myself to others. This is the genesis to my self-loathing I had to fight. Clinically, "labeling" ourselves is a cognitive distortion. What that means when we label or judge ourselves is that we are having an unfair thought about ourselves in that moment. When we label ourselves we are not just unkind to ourselves but unfair and unrealistic. 
3. I let others decide my worth. I find this is very common. It is so ingrained in us to find validation through others, and by doing so, allow others to decide if we are enough. The truth is, you already are. I found it really empowering to sit and think about what I really did like about myself, outside of what others told me they liked about me. It was difficult at first! My mind kept going back to "well, this person likes this..." and I had to stop myself and ask if I liked it too, because MY opinion of myself matters more anyway. Do I like everything about myself? No, of course not. But with this came a new appreciation for the things I can change about myself and work on; as well as the acceptance of parts of me that I can't change and loving them anyway, as traits that makes me unique. As far as seeking relationships, it was helpful to look for others who loved the same things I loved about myself. This one brought so much clarity to me as a person and I found it being the most helpful to loving myself.

This is a journey. I am only at the beginning, but it has made a world of a difference already. I still have much more to learn, but I assure you, it's a path worth walking down. You deserve to love yourself and have other love you for that as well.

Making the Best of a Rainy Day

  I love watching the raindrops race each other, sliding down my window. The sound of the water tapping my window, beckoning me outside to dance under nature’s sprinkler. Although the temptation to run in the rain is there, I’m just too cozy in my sweater with a warm cup of chamomile tea to leave my bed. I allow myself to close my eyes for a moment, and just let the sound of the rain against my house take over. I could probably fall back asleep, or instead, I can allow it to inspire me. I open my eyes and run to my dresser to pick up the book I have been reading for the last two months. There is no excuse now to not read it. It’s moments like these I cherish. 

I open my book and enter the world of Neil Gaiman, in a fantastical version of London, England. Suddenly, the sound of thunder rolls over my house and beyond, and then lightening quickly brightens up my room, illuminating the two pages in front of me. I sink into my pillows, and pull up my knitted blanket my grandmother crocheted me a few years ago over my legs. I thumb through the pages to where I last left off and suddenly I am once again lost in the rainy streets of London for a little while. 

The rain and thunder has a hypnotic sound. It conjures so many creative incentives within so many people. I speak from experience. It allows the person present in that moment to suddenly get lost in their dreams and ideas. The lightning sparks the creative mind into gear and the thunder brings excitement and action into one's life. Next time it rains, try letting the rain reach your soul and the thunder to call forth the creative within you.

This piece was featured in Bella Grace magazine, issue 18.

Healing our Grief

Grief. Bereavement. Guilt. 

These are beasts I am still learning to tame to this day. At some point in most of our lives we are plagued by these experiences, and usually, not always, it's caused by a loss. It feels never ending, fierce, and unbearable. What do we do with this pain? There are many ways to cope with loss and the grief it comes with. 

I lost my best friend, Peanut, in August 2020. She was my little fur angel and my most reliable companion. Waking up in the morning and starting my day was easier because of her. She gave me and my family so much joy and laughter. Once she left us, everything went silent and I felt my world crumbling to pieces. I honestly was scared that the pain in my chest and my deep sorrow and worry would consume me and never go away. Has it all gotten better already? No. Has it gotten a little easier? Yes. Let me share with you what has helped me so far.

My little fur angel, Peanut.

Honor Your Pain. The first thing I found most helpful was honoring my pain. If I needed to cry I would. I would not hold back my tears, screams, hollers, etc. It's tempting to drown out the pain with external things such as maybe another dog, alcohol, and other forms of escapism; however, that is only a Band-Aid and will not aid in your healing. Being honest and true to your emotions will help that process move along, it just takes time.

Spirituality. This one isn't for everyone. I'm not going to go tell and atheist to suddenly find spirituality, unless it made sense to them. However, this helped me immensely. It helped me to believe that Peanut is still with me in my heart and in spirit. The idea of her being gone forever is indeed too much to bear, so I like to think she is still with me. I had a therapist also tell me to give her assignments such as guiding my parents new dog, Spike, around the ways of the household, or protecting my parents since I do not live with them anymore. It was uncanny how Spike would lay in all of her favorite spots and do some of the same behaviors as her, despite being a totally different breed of dog. It really felt like she was there helping us and watching us. It gave me a lot of comfort to feel that.

Mementos. Making mementos such as photo prints, even magnets and ornaments can be very helpful. Especially when all of the feelings are fresh. It can be reassuring to see their face and their expressions to almost make it harder to forget them. Every little thing I made of Peanut was to reassure that she will not only be in my heart but in my mind forever and I can continue to honor the joy and life she gave me with her time on Earth. 

Celebrate their Life. One of the first things I did once we began to prepare for Peanut's cremation was go through pictures I had of her. I love photography, as you might know following me here, and I have literally thousands of photos of her. I had some on my walls, in my drawers, in and on my desk. Having her face visible to me brought me some comfort and reflected the loving life we did our best to give her. Of course it hurt, but it also would make me smile to think upon the memories each photo would place into my mind and it made some of my guilt and shame feel smaller and less valid, because let's be real, sometimes... Usually, our negative thoughts that cause these negative feelings are not valid and unfair to us. I know that Peanut was loved, so loved and had a good life, and these photos were proof of that. Talking to my parents and my sister about all of the memories we had of her, good and bad, that we loved and cared for her as hard as we could since she entered our world in 2009. Celebrating that life, her life, and honoring it, brought a little light into my darkness. 

Don't Be Afraid to Seek Support. I eventually chose to go to a bereavement specialist because despite the instances of my crying decreasing and my acceptance of Peanut's fate settling in, I was still riddled with fear and anxiety that someone would suddenly die. I knew I was still holding on to something, but I needed further guidance to understand what that was. I went to a therapist that specialized in grief, trauma and somatic intervention. I personally have no shame or negative feelings about therapy, but I do know that many people do. Being a therapist myself, I know how healing therapy can be if you want to be there. If there is something in your heart telling you to get help, welcome that and give your heart the healing it needs. My therapist helped me so much with managing this new kind of anxiety that was preventing me from doing much. I helped profoundly and I strongly recommend it for anyone with a heavy heart. 

There are many ways to grieve. I happened to use all of these to help me cope with a significant and sudden loss in my life. I hope this helps you move forward and begin to heal. You deserve to heal and live on.

Good luck.

The Stages of Heartbreak

     Dealing with heartbreak is never a walk in the park. You put your heart and soul into something, in this case a relationship, and it can disappear in the blink of an eye. Years of history, memories, and trust can suddenly seem to mean nothing to one participant. Just coping with that loss can be the hardest part. Of course, there is also the person whom you made all of those memories with. Seeing them on social media, out at your favorite bar, anywhere, can be just as difficult. It’s like your beautiful, lush world was just destroyed by an unpredictable volcano. It feels like you are being made to watch the once tall, healthy trees, the sweet woodland critters, and the green grass burn and melt into ashes. As you go to pick up a small bit of those ashes they blow away and it feels absolutely devastating. You feel alone, lost, and even scared. Scared of what is to come, and of the uncertainty of the near future or even the far future. “Will I always be alone? Will I get past this? Am I capable of being loved? Will I ever be able to trust someone again?” These are some of the thoughts that might poke at our weary brain when we are aching. 

    Something I have noticed over time is that it does get less scary. I remember being a sixteen year old and going through my first big heartbreak. The person I was with chose someone else and I was left feeling like I would never be good enough for anyone else. I was later proven wrong by another showing interest. When you are young, acceptance is one of the most important and sought after feelings. That never really goes away though, does it? As we grow up, we learn who will accept us, what we do that is deemed acceptable, and eventually, usually, we find our niche. When you are young, you don’t know this will happen. Something like a first breakup feels like society’s most profound rejection, until it suddenly stops feeling that way. Things ebb and flow when you are young and life is fast. 

    I’ve noticed that discrepancy now that I am older. I went through a break up at the age of 29. I was so sure we were going to get married, see the world, have kids, and buy a house on a massive plot of land. All of those dreams shattered in an instance and those thoughts haunted my brain for months, especially, “Will I always be alone?” Getting over this hurdle was a very different process for me at this age. By then I had friends I can lean on; I felt loved by them. I have a family who I learned by then will always support me. I have hobbies and things I love to do. It dawned on me that I was able to process the loss because I have an established life outside of the relationship and I was still loved and cared about. With this in mind, it allowed me to heal. It allowed me to accept that maybe then was not the right time for a relationship and something else will come, but now I must focus on my own needs. Of course, the fear of never finding someone was there, but even that went away over time. I was able to take pride that I was going into my “flirty thirties” single and maybe ready to mingle. 

    Heartbreak can be one of the worst invalidating, rejecting, and painful experiences we as humans can experience as it is a type of loss and more. It’s easy to forget that heartbreak can be overcome. It’s easy to remember that the persons we commit ourselves to romantically are not the only people capable of loving us and accepting us. We have friends, family, and community. These are our protective factors that allow us to handle overpowering stress. It is empowering to know who you can lean on for support and to have those reminders that we are worthwhile and important as well as to have people in your life to help you stand on your own once again. I am forever thankful for those who helped me heal and be strong once more.