Dealing with heartbreak is never a walk in the park. You put your heart and soul into something, in this case a relationship, and it can disappear in the blink of an eye. Years of history, memories, and trust can suddenly seem to mean nothing to one participant. Just coping with that loss can be the hardest part. Of course, there is also the person whom you made all of those memories with. Seeing them on social media, out at your favorite bar, anywhere, can be just as difficult. It’s like your beautiful, lush world was just destroyed by an unpredictable volcano. It feels like you are being made to watch the once tall, healthy trees, the sweet woodland critters, and the green grass burn and melt into ashes. As you go to pick up a small bit of those ashes they blow away and it feels absolutely devastating. You feel alone, lost, and even scared. Scared of what is to come, and of the uncertainty of the near future or even the far future. “Will I always be alone? Will I get past this? Am I capable of being loved? Will I ever be able to trust someone again?” These are some of the thoughts that might poke at our weary brain when we are aching.
Something I have noticed over time is that it does get less scary. I remember being a sixteen year old and going through my first big heartbreak. The person I was with chose someone else and I was left feeling like I would never be good enough for anyone else. I was later proven wrong by another showing interest. When you are young, acceptance is one of the most important and sought after feelings. That never really goes away though, does it? As we grow up, we learn who will accept us, what we do that is deemed acceptable, and eventually, usually, we find our niche. When you are young, you don’t know this will happen. Something like a first breakup feels like society’s most profound rejection, until it suddenly stops feeling that way. Things ebb and flow when you are young and life is fast.
I’ve noticed that discrepancy now that I am older. I went through a break up at the age of 29. I was so sure we were going to get married, see the world, have kids, and buy a house on a massive plot of land. All of those dreams shattered in an instance and those thoughts haunted my brain for months, especially, “Will I always be alone?” Getting over this hurdle was a very different process for me at this age. By then I had friends I can lean on; I felt loved by them. I have a family who I learned by then will always support me. I have hobbies and things I love to do. It dawned on me that I was able to process the loss because I have an established life outside of the relationship and I was still loved and cared about. With this in mind, it allowed me to heal. It allowed me to accept that maybe then was not the right time for a relationship and something else will come, but now I must focus on my own needs. Of course, the fear of never finding someone was there, but even that went away over time. I was able to take pride that I was going into my “flirty thirties” single and maybe ready to mingle.
Heartbreak can be one of the worst invalidating, rejecting, and painful experiences we as humans can experience as it is a type of loss and more. It’s easy to forget that heartbreak can be overcome. It’s easy to remember that the persons we commit ourselves to romantically are not the only people capable of loving us and accepting us. We have friends, family, and community. These are our protective factors that allow us to handle overpowering stress. It is empowering to know who you can lean on for support and to have those reminders that we are worthwhile and important as well as to have people in your life to help you stand on your own once again. I am forever thankful for those who helped me heal and be strong once more.
